Some may have noticed I haven’t been as active on social media during the month of December. This month is especially difficult for me and it always seems to catch me by surprise. I seem to look forward to the holidays towards the end of fall and then suddenly I lose all interest. December 3rd was my best friend whom I called my sister’s birthday. She has been gone for over a decade now, but I miss her with every fiber of my being.
So, when December comes around, I push myself to get a tree and do as much decorating and cookie baking as I can manage so that the kids have a fun time. But, her memory haunts me through to the new year.
I wonder what she’d be doing now. Where she would live. Would she be married? Would she have kids? I try to enjoy my children extra hard because I know she won’t have a chance to have them. But, I get sad. I feel like I’m missing out on something that should have been. And it’s a feeling I just can’t shake.
Her name was Cara.
She was the kindest, most honest and true person I have ever met. From 3rd grade until we graduated high school, we were inseparable. I never went a day without talking to her. She made you feel like you were enough. Like you could be yourself, your whole self, and that was a wonderful thing to be.
After high school we kept in touch as best we could with our busy college schedules. The internet wasn’t what it is now, so we enjoyed writing hand written letters to each other. We sent photos the old fashioned way. We called each other and talked for hours at a time. No matter how long it had been, we were always right back to being sisters.
Maybe it’s worse this year because of the pandemic, I’m not sure.
I’ve been trying to take things slowly and give myself space to process. And put less pressure on myself than I normally do.
Christmas is over now and the new year is approaching fast. I’m still in a funk. But, I’m trying to pull myself out of it. Deep cleaning the house and reorganizing as if resetting my brain, heart, and soul.
I’ll be back to normal soon. Though, I will still think about her throughout the year. Thinking of calling her when something good happens just to hear her encouragement and excitement. The feeling will pass quickly unlike during this month of December.
Happy New Year to everyone. Especially those that are happy to see 2020 come to a close.
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